Tuesday, March 4, 2008

EXECUTE ALL FELONS

In this day and age, the median family income in America is around $50,000. That money goes to support an average family of approximately 2.57 members..... and over 2.3 MILLION PRISONERS! Tax dollars of hard working Americans go towards providing these malicious individuals safe havens from the streets where we feed and clothe them while they do nothing for us! Why should we continue to let these freeloaders who STEAL from us, KILL our citizens, and are CONVICTED OF CRIMES AGAINST US live off our tax dollars? In this modest proposal, I will explain to all what we should do with these inmates and tell of why America would be a better place if these actions were taken.

In America, we strive to make automobiles and other forms of transportation safer and safer. It is also our goal to make sure helmet designs and such are safe for our children. But how exactly are these tested? There are many tests they must go through, but how can we be certain they are full proof? We need to test them on our inmates. All the convicted felons should be sent to testing factories to try out new things for the general public. Want to know if the seat belt in your 2008 Ford will really save your life if you run into a wall at 50 mph? Check the States new site, you can rest assure we strapped real humans into each seat and sent them flying into that wall! If they survived, do it again to make sure it wasn't just by chance. If they didn't, well then the seat belt needs more work! Why test on test dummies when you can get the real thing for free?

While America is very advanced in the medical field, we definitely aren't the best in every aspect of it. It is time we begin teacher our doctors more in school; they need more first hand experience before going into their field of choice. How can we do this? The inmates, of course! Strap them down and let the students start drilling! Practice makes perfect, right? And we have millions of little test subjects, plenty for everyone. You can look at a picture and watch videos of how to put a shunt into someone, but now we can let them try it on unvalued wreckers of society before having them operate on valued members of society. Never again will a doctor be nervous the first time he has to drill into a brain; patients can rest assured knowing that he has done it plenty of times.

Another option to our predicament is to use them solely as manual labor. Heck, turn them into slaves! We could start out using them in our fields in America; they'd be even cheaper than illegal immigrants. The farmers would profit and the consumers would receive a good priced product. If the public is brave, perhaps we could sell the inmates as servants to them. They would have to keep a close eye on them to ensure they behaved, but they would have full rights over them. I don't believe they would try anything funny knowing if they did their legs would be shot off. Or we could just tell them to 3rd world countries where slavery is legal. I'm sure they would like to have more hands to do the work. Our nations exports would dramatically increase if we could trade our inmates away as slaves! In country interested?

If worse comes to worse and no one wants our inmates, I assume we could just put their heads on the chopping block. Medieval style, I say. Death by quartering, the wheel, or by hanging. They can even take their choice! That would be definitely cheaper than the way things are now.

5 comments:

Goemie IV said...

I sure hope this was meant sarcastical and/or satirical, cause this would really bring us back to medieval times!! Probably even further ... and sharpens the cliché thoughts about the US and their citizens in the rest of the world,and yes there are other people, not living in the US, on this world!

chandlerstewart said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Caffine said...

I like it. Convicted criminals seem to have more human rights than anyone. Convicted of a certain crime, lost all rights. That of make them live in swallow - what a prison really should be!

gordo said...

No matter how outrageous you make your satire, there will always be someone like caffine who will not only take it seriously, but who will agree wholeheartedly.

Goemie IV said...

exactly my thaught! There is a big difference between saying these things and writing them down. Things tat are black on white come over a lot harder than when telling them, cause you are missing the visual (read: satirical) aspects of the speaker! So I do think you have to be a lot more carefull writing things down than when you would say them, even exactly the same things (eg caffine)
I wasn't sure about the tone you were giving it, until I got to the medieval part...